Ok, I’m not
an expert, but as I’ve been listening to what’s going on around me, I can’t
help hearing lots of talk about parenting. One friend’s wife just gave birth to
a third child. Other friends are trying to get pregnant. Another friend is
looking to start trying for a baby, despite concerns about children’s piercing
screams (a good reason to be concerned).
I’m not an
expert, but I have two wonderful kids (despite their dad) aged 9 and almost
4. I thought I’d share some ideas
around what’s working in our home. Here’s the first:
Be consistent
Its
first because everything else comes from it. Being consistently consistent is tough for all of us,
and still very much a work in progress for me. But, if we’re consistent more
often than not, then our kids will never have to wonder how we feel about them,
or what kind of behavior is ok, or what the consequences to their actions will
be.
The
world is a pretty consistent place: if we drop a ball, it falls. If the sun is shining, there’s a risk
of sunburn. If there’s snow on the
ground, it’s cold outside. Kids,
like grown ups, need consistency in order to predict what “y” will be, if “x”
happens. When we’re not
consistent, we create experiences where the world feels uncertain and kids grow
up feeling unsafe.
So,
for example, what would it be like if we consistently showed love using
whatever language works best for the child. Each child has what Gary Chapman calls love languages that
they use to say and hear “I love you.”
For my son, its cuddles and play time. For my daughter its hanging out and talking. When we
consistently show up and say “I love you” in ways that are meaningful for our
kids, we create an experience that assures them of our love, and God’s. Read The
Five Love Languages for Kids, by Gary Chapman
for ideas on how your child may understand love.
Words
and actions also need to be consistent.
If I want my kids to be active, but I sit on the couch watching TV all
day, I’m sending mixed messages.
My words say one thing, and my actions another. I’m working hard on this one.
Along
the same idea, only talk about consequences that can be carried out. We’ve all
done it, haven’t we? I say that
I’m going to turn the car around if the kids don’t stop fighting in the back
seat. They don’t, but I continue
driving on to our destination.
Since turning the car around was never a real consequence, I should
never have offered it. Instead, try
warning that something will be taken away, like a toy or a snack. Then if the behavior continues, follow
through. There may be tears and
screaming, but that becomes a good time to suggest earning the toy or snack
back. Whatever happens, don’t give
into the tears and screaming by giving the toy or snack back. Instead, we’re consistent when we use
whatever we took away as a reward for appropriate behavior.
One
last example on this – if something is wrong for my kids, then I need to
consistently apologize when I do it. We’ve said that throwing a temper tantrum
is not ok in our house. But, there have times when I’ve lost my cool and had good
ol’ grown-up version. Its not
pretty. I’m not proud of it. At that point, all I could do was be
consistent. So, I apologized,
admitting that my behavior was not ok.
I was wrong, and I promise to do better next time. After some hugs and kisses, my children
heard me affirm that appropriate responses apply to everyone, not just kids. It also gives my children a chance to
feel the power of forgiving – but more on that gem another time.
We
could go on, but the big point here is that our consistency is key to raising confident
kids who know they’re loved and so can face whatever the world brings.