Life Lessons from Zip Lining

 This past July, my nine year old, adrenaline-junkie daughter and I couldn't resist going zip-lining down Marble Mountain near Corner Brook, NF.  

 

Its advertised to be one of the highest zip courses in Canada, spanning a small gorge and waterfall.  We took ATV's to the top, then zipped down nine lines to the bottom.

What a blast!  Here's some of what I took away from the experience

Research – Get the Facts Straight

The guides started by explaining safety procedures, the specs of the ropes and how the trip would look.  We'd jump, and they catch us on the other end.    Don't twist the double ropes.  Don't hang onto the ropes.  Do enjoy the ride.

 

Before we jump, we need to start by gathering the needed information.  Don’t let emotions alone be the guide.  Let’s make sure we know and understand as much as we can before we make the jump.

 

Faith

Despite everything our guides had said, we still had to make the choice whether to believe them.  Did the folks who built the course know what they were doing?  Thankfully, one of the guides, who were both bigger than me, went ahead first. If the lines could hold the him, they’d probably be ok with me.  

 

It works that way with our faith in God too - at some point, we have to look to those who have gone ahead of us: the writers of scripture, heroes in the Church's history, mentors, loved ones.  Looking at their example will build our faith.  Others have trusted him and thrived; we can too

 

Jump – Take a risk

I heard the instructions; I saw the guide cross.  Now I had to jump.  Despite everything I just said above, there was still a moment when I had to will myself off the platform and over the gorge.  

 

The reward was massive!  A beautiful view, a total rush.

 

Once we've done our research and had our faith strengthened, its time to jump.  God will often ask us of things that stretch us out of our comfort zone.  We know with our head they're important and good, but we still have to make the choice to…

 

            … JUMP!

 

Enjoy the trip

As we stood overlooking the gorge for the first time, I said to my daughter "Would you like to go first?"  It was code for "You go, I'll follow."   Yes, I can be a wuss.  Not surprisingly, she passed it back.  A little banter and we agreed to take turns going first.  I took turn one.  Then she took turn two.  Then I went.  Then she did, again.  And she did again, and again! It was so much fun, she went first almost every time.

 

Once the trip was started, we were having so much fun I didn't want it to end.  Then I caught myself beginning to dread the end, and suddenly the trip wasn't fun anymore.  "Just be here and now," I heard the wind say, "enjoy this gift."  

 

So, I chatted with the guides and heard their stories.  I got my picture taken over the gorge.  I repeatedly came in rear-end-first to the next platform, a sure sign that my backside is more aerodynamic, the guide explained.  

 

So much can distract us from the joys of right now.  Sometimes we need to just be here.

 

Laugh at Yourself

We arrived at the last run of the course.  I'd been following all the instructions the guides had given at the top.  Now, there was one more.  

"At the bottom, listen to what the guide says - its really important for stopping."  Ok, deal.  And off I went.  Faster and faster - this was by far the longest and fastest line.

Then, the guide waiting at the bottom yelled "pull the break!!!" as his hands pulled down on an imaginary rope near his head.

"Brake.

            Brake?!  

                        What brake?!?!" I panicked, just before my rope slammed into a series of springs that diffused the speed.  

Of course, there was no brake.  

Sometimes, we'll misunderstand, or make a mistake.  I have a bad habit of taking myself too seriously when that happens.  My wife is a good antidote to that affliction.  I'm learning that it’s important to learn what I can from my misunderstandings, and be prepared to laugh at myself.

A Prayer for Students

We'll be using this at Burns Presbyterian Church on Sunday, September 8, as we pray a blessing upon all students.  We've made this a community service, but will be pairing it with commissioning the kids ministry workers.  Its not a celebration without food, so of course they'll be a BBQ after.  

The prayer is a merger of two prayers found in Illuminata (Marianne Williamson, Random House, 1994) and Prayer Book for Lay People (The Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge, 2008).

Lord Jesus Christ,

You are alive and at work in the world

            In schools

            And in all the places where students go to meet, and live and learn

There are no words for the depth of our love for these students

            We surrender them into your hands

May they be protected from the darkness of our times

            And always see You at the centre of life

We pray each may be blessed to be your disciple

            And their hearts made strong to love you and serve you

May each see through your eyes,

            And hear the questions you are asking

May they welcome truth when they find it

            Greeting it as a gift from you

May they be agents of your lovingkindness

            To all they meet

And learn to invest their lives in changing the things that contradict your love

As they begin a new school year

            May they increase in kindness and strength

            Relying on your power from within

Living fully and deeply

            And freely growing into

                        The men and women you have created them to be

For its in your name we pray

Amen

The Truth about Transformation

Transformation is a wonderful thing. It can be slow, sometimes imperceptible, but it’s results can be delicious.

There’s a pear tree in my backyard that was bare a few months ago.  First came beautiful blossoms, then leaves and then just the smallest buds of young fruit.  This week, I was up on a ladder trying to get all the pears that were bending the branches with their weight.  The yellow ones were soft, sweet and warm from the sun.  Delicious! I think my son ate six.

Like those pears, our purpose is to be transformed into something delicious.  All the potential lies within and around us, and like a Master Chef (yes, I’m mixing metaphors here), our Creator has made each of us with a plan in mind.  Our transformation into the men and women we were created to be is often just as slow and imperceptible as with those pears. But, the end is no less sweet.

I’ve been reading parables in the Gospel of Mark chapter four: The Sower, the growing seed and the mustard seed.  All are parables about how the Kingdom of heaven infiltrates and transforms us.  C.S. Lewis famously described it as a good infection, changing us from the inside out.  Jesus used seed metaphors because the change is slow, sometimes imperceptible. 

Waiting for the pears to come could be agonizing.  Instead, all our family could do is go on with life, nurture the tree and notice when the fruit was ready.

Its that way with our personal transformation too.  Rather than waiting for it to come, or beating up on ourselves because we haven’t arrived, we’re invited to get on with life.  Nurture our transformation and take notice when the work has been happening.  Live, love, reflect.  Sounds like a wonderful rhythm.

Now, I was raised in a tradition that heavily emphasized personal transformation; you might hear that prejudice coming out.  I’m currently in a tradition that includes societal transformation. In Christ’s Church, there has been a chasm between the personal gospel of one stream, and the social gospel of the other.  I’m glad to see signs of a bridge being built, because these two streams are part of the same River (to borrow an image from Richard Foster).  They are intimately connected; two sides of the same coin. 

Individuals cannot be genuinely transformed by God’s love without becoming means of transformation to the whole of God’s Creation.  “Grace is not grace if it is not expressed in life” says Karl Barth. 

And, the whole of creation becomes a means of God’s transformative work. “Where can I go from Your Spirit?” the writer asks in Psalm 139.

(Is it any wonder that the Christian view of the end includes the idea that some pieces won’t fit? When all is made right, when creation and each of us have been transformed and finally know ourselves as we have always been known by our Creator, what place will there be for the darkness that had prevented us from realizing this identity? The darkness must cease to be.)

One last thought.  I could nurture and notice the pear tree, but I couldn’t make the pears grow.  In the same way, I can nurture and notice my personal transformation, but I can’t make it happen. That’s God’s work, and the Christian hope is for a final day when this work will be finished and all will be made well.  Until then, all I can do is join God’s great transformative endeavor, within me and in the whole of Creation.

Objectives Revisited

I’ve written about our leadership team’s work setting core values and objectives.  Last Friday, we held another meeting to set new objectives for this quarter, and evaluate the ones we were using. 

Objectives are important because they help orient an organization and build momentum. They should be rooted in our core values, be achievable and quantifiable.

Evaluating

It’d been about three months, enough time to see how we’d done on accomplishing our first three objectives.

1. Hymns in Worship

We had discerned that some among us didn’t feel at home anymore, and music played a part in that. So we would intentionally include at least one hymn done in a traditional style.

I thought we did really well on this one.  Folks had shown gratitude for the effort. But, as we chatted more, it became clear that simply doing a hymn from the hymnbook didn’t always meet the need.   One Sunday, we did three hymns from the book, but someone still asked afterwards if we could sing a hymn.  The issue wasn’t whether we did hymns from the book, but whether we did hymns that evoke the sacred for the folks who worship with us.

So, the leadership team opted to go back to the congregation.

We each have our own inner repertoire of sacred music.  Since we need to purge our music files anyways, we’re asking the folks at Burns which songs we should make sure we keep.

2. Ashburn Canada Day Picnic

We had an amazing time at the Canada Day picnic that takes place in the village where we worship (I’ve written about it here).  The congregation did the BBQ and had lots of fun doing it.

Our original objective was to infuse a bit more fun into the event.  While there were races for kids of different age groups, we still saw a need for the kinds of things families could come back to throughout the event. We decided to investigate getting more deeply involved next year.

3. Prayer Emphasis

Prayer is one of our core values, and we want to nurture a culture of prayer.  In addition to personal stories about praying, and a prayer request box in the foyer, we prayed for 5-6 families from our roll each week.  We sent a card to each of them, letting them know we had prayed for them. 

On a number of occasions, people who had been away for a while made a point of worshipping with us, letting us know how much they appreciated that we were praying for them.  More than once, I had a person approach me and say, “Getting that card was just what I needed, considering the week I was having.”

This was a success, and one we’ll continue. 

Hearing the Context

Afterwards, we took time revisit the reports from a bunch of listening exercises in May and June: an online survey to our community, a Natural Church Development survey, and attending a Stewards-by-Design conference run through our denomination. 

Setting New Objectives

Finally came the crux of the evening.  What were the needs we’d heard from these reports and from our congregation?  After grouping similar ones together, we ranked them.  Here are the top three:

1. Communication.

People are attending who use a variety of media, and as we transition from a village to a regional church, it was clear we needed to amp up our game in a few ways:

a.     Rework the website. 

An elder is forming a team to recommend what our new, online “front door” should look like.

b.     Merge email communication. 

We don’t want to be “that” church with multiple emails and duplicated details .  A strategy was developed to place all “church family” news in the weekly email.

c.      Weekly print bulletin

The same “church family” news will be available by print every week.  Right now, we only use projected slides, but many commented they missed taking something home on paper. 

We agreed to change it.

d.     Monthly print newsletter

We’d shift the focus of this to be for those in our wider community.  As momentum builds, we’ll need a vehicle to let the community know what’s happening.

2. Broader Ownership.  

We realized that for objectives to work in our whole congregation, more of the key players needed to be on board.  Burns has always been pretty democratic, so it didn’t surprise me that we felt more congregational support was needed.  Thankfully, Dr. Callahan recommends the same, so I felt pretty confident this was a good direction. 

We’re working on a strategic planning meeting in the fall and will bring in a facilitator to help us.

      3. Activities.

Burns has always been blessed with people who have get-up-and-go.  The women are talking about a weekly exercise and fellowship gathering. The men are talking about how to partner with a local agency that serves families living with autism.  The women are planning a trip to a dinner theater.  The men are planning to go bowling.  There is no shortage of activity.

That makes the leadership team’s job straight forward: support what the Spirit is doing among the grass roots!  So we are.

One meeting isn’t the end of the story, but during that time we sensed the Spirit’s leading, allowing our congregation to move in a direction the whole team could get behind. 

How very Presbyterian!

Transitions can be Tough

Transitions are tough. Even good ones, like a wedding or going to school, can be times of stress.

My little guy just started kindergarten in the modified school calendar.  He was excited about it.  This was part of being a big boy, and we talked it up, encouraging those positive feelings. The first day, he stood in line and while little boys broke down in tears beside him, he bravely walked into school.

He snuck into our bed early the next morning and stated matter of factly, “I’m not going to school today.” 

“What are you going to do?” his mom asked.

“I’m going to stay home with you,” he replied.  She patiently explained that he couldn’t do that.  So he upped it a level:

“My tummy hurts,” he said.  “Can I stay home in my jammies?” The mixture of sympathy and cuteness wore on her defenses.  But wise woman that she is, she said, “If you stay home in your jammies, you’ll need to stay in your bed all day.”

That was enough for the second day.  The third, a similar story unfolded. Maybe it was the other boys’ example.  Maybe it was that there was no place for the kids to play, so that they were stuck lining up in front of the school instead of playing with the kids in the fenced area. Maybe.

But, maybe it’s also because transitions are tough.

Burns, the congregation I serve with, is experiencing this first hand.  There’s a lot of good things happening, but even good transitions can be stressful.

New Faces

We’ve had new people come, and they’ve been warmly welcomed by those already there.  However, some have also felt the wonder of seeing people we don’t know.  Things have changed and while its welcome, its also has some discomfort.

Family Size to Pastoral Size

With new people, the congregation has shifted from what Alice Mann calls a family size church to a pastoral size one.   In a family size, everyone knows everyone.  Communication is pretty easy as the grapevine is pretty active. Everyone chips in a little energy and the maintenance tasks are done.

With a pastoral size, and with new people, the grapevine doesn’t work in the same way.  Getting news to those that need it can be challenging, and involves adopting everything from facebook pages to newsletters.

Local to Regional

Just a decade ago, most of the people who came to Burns on a Sunday lived in or were connected to the village of Ashburn.  Now, its about a quarter.  People come for all kinds of reasons, especially because they feel an affinity with what God’s doing among us.  That’s great!  But, its meant our objectives shift from strategies that worked in a village, to ones that work for a region.

These changes are good, but they can be difficult.  Here are some things we’re discovering about navigating these waters.

Keep Focused

When my little guy was standing in line on that first day, as the boys are crying beside him, he was fixated on them.  His mom and I kept drawing his attention back to his teacher, how he was growing up, that he was going to have a great day.

No matter what the transition is, it helps to stay focused on the end of the transition. What are we hoping for?  What is God doing within and around us?  What will be the result of this season?

Talk Lots

As my little guy stood in line, we used our words to help him stay focused.  When he came into bed and said he didn’t want to go to school, we asked him why.  When people are feeling anxious about the transition they’re in, its important to talk about things.  What are we feeling, and what’s made us feel that way?

A few of us from Burns did that last night and realized much of what we were feeling was rooted in these transitions. Knowing that allowed us to live with the tension of this season, while working on some of the other things that were within our control.  What often happens is we blame all the tension on one or two issues.  They become flash points for a bunch of energy that is actually tied to other things too, like the discomfort and stress of a transition.  Talking it through allows us separate the issues, tackle the ones we can, and pray for the serenity to accept the things we can’t change.

Transitions, even good ones, can be tough.  My little guy’s first few days at school have proven that.  This afternoon though, he came out at lunch time, flashed a huge grin and said, “I had fun!”   Once we’ve accepted and named the energy transitions bring, we can discover the joy on the other side.

Teaching Kids about Money

Has this ever happened to you?  Our family was in Target today, doing some back-to-school shopping when my almost 4 year old said he really, really, REALLY wanted that toy.  

Toys are like candy for this guy.  He absolutely loves them, and is constantly asking for a new toy from the toy “schtore”. Sadly, the newness of the latest acquisition lasts about as long as candy lasts around me. 

When my daughter was the same age, she insisted we “Could just go to the bank machine to get more money.”  The teacher in me awoke at this opportunity.  And I treated her to a diatribe on how we get money, the value of work, saving our dollars and only spending money you have.  Is it good that she walked away with eyes glazed over?

So how will our kids learn about the value of money?  Who will teach them about how to handle their dollars?

My wife and I asked this recently as we drove back from a trip.  We remembered a practice we’d learned in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course.  We used this a few years ago, but sadly had let it lapse.

It works like this

Each child has three jars, or boxes. 

            One for saving for the future,

                        One for sharing with those in need, and

                                    One for spending now.

Then each week they do some chores around the house.  In a wonderful twist, I have a child who actually asks to clean the toilets. These chores can’t be things like keeping their rooms clean, or helping to clear the table.  We all do some things just because we’re part of the family.  Instead, the jobs are a chance for our children to learn the value of earning their money.  After all, that’s how the real world works and in the words of Dr. Phil, “we’re raising adults.”

At the end of each week, we pay them for chores completed. We usually pay in small coins so that the children can place some coins in their save, some in their share and some in their spend jars.  They decide how much goes in each.  We just help them remember that each jar needs some of the money each week.

As they grow up, we hope these three categories will be a natural way to think about their money.

Now my wife is far more creative than I.  When we decided to resurrect this approach to teaching our children about money, she broke out the scrapbooking papers, stickers and stamps.  The kids decorated their own boxes.  We talked with them about the jobs they’d like to do.  We even chipped in some coins to get the funds started.  Yeah, I have a soft spot for those kids.

Today, when my little guy said he really, really, REALLY wanted that toy at Target, I was able to say to him, “OK, save up your spend money and you can have it,” and that settled it.

That’s what’s working around our home.  What’s working around yours?

Shaping Faith at Bedtime

“C’mon guys, time for bed.”  My comment is greeted with the usual groans and dramatic complaints. 

  

“Daaa-aaad, its still early!” one insists.  Since when is 9pm early, I wonder, stifling a yawn.  With coaxing that ranges from nudges to threats, the kids finally brush their teeth and put on their pj’s.  Then my nine and almost four-year olds pile onto mom and dad’s bed for our nighttime ritual.

My wife and I aren’t experts at this, but we’ve come to believe that we are our kids’ first encounter with God’s love, and their first examples of what it means to be a Christ follower. 

That’s scary stuff.  One look in the mirror and I’m praying God will work in their lives, despite me. But, there they are, on the bed, awaiting our usual ritual: two questions and a prayer.

“What was your least favourite part of the day – was there anything you really didn’t like?”  My daughter tells about how she didn’t get to scrapbook with her mom.  Didn’t you go shopping with her instead, I think to myself, but I hold my tongue.  This isn’t a time for judgment.  We simply acknowledge that must have been disappointing.  This is a time when we let hard feelings have a voice. 

My son tells the story of falling and scrapping his knee.  A subtle glance at his bare knees shows there’s no scrape.  I think he just wants to be part of this time.

“Was that for real or pretend, bud?”  I ask.  He assures me its for real.  This isn’t the time to lecture him on the value of telling the truth.  He’s using his imagination to be part of this experience.  His effort affirms that the question we’ve asked is important enough to warrant him telling a story.

“Ok, so what about your favourite part of the day?” I ask.  This second question is my favourite.  I’m regaled with stories of going to the park, or playing with friends, or spending time as a family.

“What was yours?” my daughter always responds. 

“Umm, being here with you guys,” I say.  I know its bit corny, but its true.  Those few moments at the end of the day are some of my favourite ones.  Ever.

After we’re done with the two questions, we pray, a different person praying each night. We say “thank-you” for the good things, and pray about the hard things. The prayers are simple, yet heartfelt.

Its taken some time to get to this place, and I’m sure those times will change as the kids grow up.  It’s also not an every night occurrence.  Sometimes, the summer sun has gone to bed before the kids have, and we’re scrambling to carry their limp bodies with smirking faces up to bed.

But I think its important that we keep coming back to it.  Here’s why:

1. It teaches that prayer, talking with God, is normal.

Prayer doesn’t have to be what we do when we’ve run out of other options; it can be more than the last cry of a desperate person.  It can be a lifestyle where we acknowledge God with us, Giver of Good gifts, Comforter in our tough times.

If my kids experience this most evenings, I hope they will develop a worldview where talking with God is perfectly normal and healthy.

2. Its teaches the skills of looking through our day for the good, and giving thanks for it

Life brings to us far more than we can possibly attend to consciously.  So, we are constantly selecting the things we’ll notice, the memories we’ll keep. Whether we see the glass half empty or half full depends on what we chose to notice. 

   

If anyone is like me, than seeing the darker stuff comes easily.  I can often end my day recalling the projects I didn’t finish, the words I regret saying, the actions I wish I’d done differently.  It’s a skill to look for the good.

And look for it we should. 

If God is present at all times (and many of us believe that goes with the whole “omnipresent” thing), then there is good in most circumstances because our good God is there. Finding God, dwelling on the good, giving thanks for it, is life-giving.  It’s an assurance that God will never leave nor forsake, and that the One from whom every good and perfect gift comes, is present with us.  The proof?  We’ve seen our good God at work.

3. It teaches that parents are a safe place to talk about hard stuff

My daughter was bullied not too long ago.  When I asked what the least favourite part of the day was, she hummed and hawed.  When she grows quiet, I know something is wrong!

We pushed just a bit; waited just a bit.  It came out that some kids had done some really mean things to her.  That question became the opportunity for us to talk with her about that event.

I hope that as they both age, the habit of asking and answering these questions, of being able to share happy and yucky feelings, will instill a belief that mom and dad can be trusted; that we’re a safe place to talk.

  

This is what’s working in our home.  I’d love to hear what’s working in yours.

A Mission of Burgers and Dogs

Please forgive me, but I need to boast.  Burns Church in Ashburn did something on Canada Day that was pretty amazing in my books.

We served burgers and dogs.

That’s right – at the Ashburn village Canada Day BBQ, our congregation took on the responsibility for serving over 250 people who were present.  There was the Whitby Mayor, Town Councillors, our MPP and MP.  And Burns.

We moved people through line with the efficiency of a well-oiled machine.

“Burger combo, hotdog” cried the order taker.

“Burger combo, hotdog” echoed someone on the team.

Some cooked the meat, others put them in buns.  Others filled the orders, or delivered drinks and chips, or made sure the bins were full of food. 

A well-oiled machine.

Now, to some in the Christian world, serving BBQ at a Canada Day picnic may not seem like mission.  But here’s what I saw happening:

First, we met a practical need.

As I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs, the village’s picnic was on the verge of shutting down (read about it here).  It wasn’t that too few were interested, just that not enough felt they could help. So, by lending a hand we were filling a need in an otherwise affluent community that needed little. 

When the Europe and North America first sent missionaries to the far corners of the globe, very few of them could start sharing the good news right away.  Instead, most took a look around, noticed where the needs were, and then started working to meet them.  Schools, hospitals, dentistry clinics were just some of ways needs were met.

Ashburn didn’t need a soup kitchen, thrift store, doctor or dentist.  But it did need people to help pull together the food.  We could do that!

Second, our connections to our community were strengthened.

As needs are met, relationships are strengthened.

Over and again, I saw folks I never see on a Sunday morning, chit chatting with congregation members.  The event became a way for the connections we already have in the community to be strengthened.  We weren’t held up behind the walls of our building, waiting for folks to come to us.  We were the church, out there, talking with people, making new friendships or deepening existing ones. 

I noticed some others who were placing their order had faces that said, “I’m a bit uncomfortable.”  Maybe they were a bit unsure about us.  Was this their first interaction with a Christian?  Did they wonder if they could be themselves around us?

“Cheese burger combo and cheese dog,” the order called.

“Cheese burger combo and cheese dog” we echoed, as one held plates, another placed the food, another put on the cheese.  We were jostling and joking as we served.  We were laughing and having fun. 

By the time folks hit the end of the table, most had faces that were relaxed, even smiling.  I hope it was because they not only had some good food for their stomachs, but a good experience with some Christians.

Third, one of our leaders expressed her strengths.

Let me tell you about one of our leaders. 

She has been in the congregation since she was two, and our office administrator for the past fourteen years.  She has obvious gifts for administration, organization and implementation.    She has a deep love and commitment to what Christ is doing among us and in Ashburn.  And, she sits on the community center board, the group who organizes the Canada Day BBQ.

So, it came as no surprise that she brought this mission opportunity to us.

It also came as no surprise that she took the project by the reigns and made it happen.

Every congregation is filled with people who have gifts and passions.  The gifts point them to how they can contribute and their passions fuel the difference they’re making for Christ.

She has gifts of administration, organization and implementation.  She has a passion for Christ and her community.  The BBQ became the perfect opportunity for her to express these.  So, it became a discipleship event where she could participate in Christ’s work, and discover the energy that comes from the joy of serving him.

4. It was a one off event some of our folks could be involved in.

When we were at the Stewards-by-Design conference in May (read about it here), Dr. Callahan noted that the church is really good at serving people who can make a long term commitment. Worship every week, 12 week bible studies, monthly events.  All these are good, but are geared towards marathoners. 

He encouraged us to make room for sprinters; people who could only make commitment for the short term (i.e. 3-5 weeks) and one-time events.

The BBQ saw people involved who enjoy helping out and want to be part of the Burns community.  They can’t commit to weekly bible studies; some work on many Sundays.  But, on this statutory holiday, they were able to share the experience.

They were part of the joking and jostling.  They deepened their connection to others in the congregation. 

Burns did a good thing on Canada Day.  Its resulted in a lot of good for our folks, and the people of the village where we meet.

Parenting Tips: Consistency

Ok, I’m not an expert, but as I’ve been listening to what’s going on around me, I can’t help hearing lots of talk about parenting. One friend’s wife just gave birth to a third child. Other friends are trying to get pregnant. Another friend is looking to start trying for a baby, despite concerns about children’s piercing screams (a good reason to be concerned).

I’m not an expert, but I have two wonderful kids (despite their dad) aged 9 and almost 4.  I thought I’d share some ideas around what’s working in our home.  Here’s the first:

Be consistent

            Its first because everything else comes from it.   Being consistently consistent is tough for all of us, and still very much a work in progress for me. But, if we’re consistent more often than not, then our kids will never have to wonder how we feel about them, or what kind of behavior is ok, or what the consequences to their actions will be. 

            The world is a pretty consistent place: if we drop a ball, it falls.  If the sun is shining, there’s a risk of sunburn.  If there’s snow on the ground, it’s cold outside.  Kids, like grown ups, need consistency in order to predict what “y” will be, if “x” happens.  When we’re not consistent, we create experiences where the world feels uncertain and kids grow up feeling unsafe.

            So, for example, what would it be like if we consistently showed love using whatever language works best for the child.  Each child has what Gary Chapman calls love languages that they use to say and hear “I love you.”  For my son, its cuddles and play time.  For my daughter its hanging out and talking. When we consistently show up and say “I love you” in ways that are meaningful for our kids, we create an experience that assures them of our love, and God’s.  Read The Five Love Languages for Kids, by Gary Chapman for ideas on how your child may understand love.

           

            Words and actions also need to be consistent.  If I want my kids to be active, but I sit on the couch watching TV all day, I’m sending mixed messages.  My words say one thing, and my actions another.  I’m working hard on this one.

            Along the same idea, only talk about consequences that can be carried out. We’ve all done it, haven’t we?  I say that I’m going to turn the car around if the kids don’t stop fighting in the back seat.  They don’t, but I continue driving on to our destination.  Since turning the car around was never a real consequence, I should never have offered it.  Instead, try warning that something will be taken away, like a toy or a snack.  Then if the behavior continues, follow through.  There may be tears and screaming, but that becomes a good time to suggest earning the toy or snack back.  Whatever happens, don’t give into the tears and screaming by giving the toy or snack back.  Instead, we’re consistent when we use whatever we took away as a reward for appropriate behavior.

            One last example on this – if something is wrong for my kids, then I need to consistently apologize when I do it. We’ve said that throwing a temper tantrum is not ok in our house. But, there have times when I’ve lost my cool and had good ol’ grown-up version.  Its not pretty.  I’m not proud of it.  At that point, all I could do was be consistent.  So, I apologized, admitting that my behavior was not ok.  I was wrong, and I promise to do better next time.  After some hugs and kisses, my children heard me affirm that appropriate responses apply to everyone, not just kids.  It also gives my children a chance to feel the power of forgiving – but more on that gem another time.

            We could go on, but the big point here is that our consistency is key to raising confident kids who know they’re loved and so can face whatever the world brings.

What’s working in your home – what’s your top parenting tip?