Parenting Tips: Consistency

Ok, I’m not an expert, but as I’ve been listening to what’s going on around me, I can’t help hearing lots of talk about parenting. One friend’s wife just gave birth to a third child. Other friends are trying to get pregnant. Another friend is looking to start trying for a baby, despite concerns about children’s piercing screams (a good reason to be concerned).

I’m not an expert, but I have two wonderful kids (despite their dad) aged 9 and almost 4.  I thought I’d share some ideas around what’s working in our home.  Here’s the first:

Be consistent

            Its first because everything else comes from it.   Being consistently consistent is tough for all of us, and still very much a work in progress for me. But, if we’re consistent more often than not, then our kids will never have to wonder how we feel about them, or what kind of behavior is ok, or what the consequences to their actions will be. 

            The world is a pretty consistent place: if we drop a ball, it falls.  If the sun is shining, there’s a risk of sunburn.  If there’s snow on the ground, it’s cold outside.  Kids, like grown ups, need consistency in order to predict what “y” will be, if “x” happens.  When we’re not consistent, we create experiences where the world feels uncertain and kids grow up feeling unsafe.

            So, for example, what would it be like if we consistently showed love using whatever language works best for the child.  Each child has what Gary Chapman calls love languages that they use to say and hear “I love you.”  For my son, its cuddles and play time.  For my daughter its hanging out and talking. When we consistently show up and say “I love you” in ways that are meaningful for our kids, we create an experience that assures them of our love, and God’s.  Read The Five Love Languages for Kids, by Gary Chapman for ideas on how your child may understand love.

           

            Words and actions also need to be consistent.  If I want my kids to be active, but I sit on the couch watching TV all day, I’m sending mixed messages.  My words say one thing, and my actions another.  I’m working hard on this one.

            Along the same idea, only talk about consequences that can be carried out. We’ve all done it, haven’t we?  I say that I’m going to turn the car around if the kids don’t stop fighting in the back seat.  They don’t, but I continue driving on to our destination.  Since turning the car around was never a real consequence, I should never have offered it.  Instead, try warning that something will be taken away, like a toy or a snack.  Then if the behavior continues, follow through.  There may be tears and screaming, but that becomes a good time to suggest earning the toy or snack back.  Whatever happens, don’t give into the tears and screaming by giving the toy or snack back.  Instead, we’re consistent when we use whatever we took away as a reward for appropriate behavior.

            One last example on this – if something is wrong for my kids, then I need to consistently apologize when I do it. We’ve said that throwing a temper tantrum is not ok in our house. But, there have times when I’ve lost my cool and had good ol’ grown-up version.  Its not pretty.  I’m not proud of it.  At that point, all I could do was be consistent.  So, I apologized, admitting that my behavior was not ok.  I was wrong, and I promise to do better next time.  After some hugs and kisses, my children heard me affirm that appropriate responses apply to everyone, not just kids.  It also gives my children a chance to feel the power of forgiving – but more on that gem another time.

            We could go on, but the big point here is that our consistency is key to raising confident kids who know they’re loved and so can face whatever the world brings.

What’s working in your home – what’s your top parenting tip?

It’s the Little Things

Sometimes, a little thing can make a big difference.

A little while ago, I was having a crappy week.  The car was acting up and I was fighting off some bug that made me feel tired, cranky and achy. 

The bright side was that I was that I could finally make the last payment on my student loan.  I called the bank’s office in the morning to make sure I had the right amount, then after lunch, I stopped by a local branch. 

When it was my turn, I went to the desk and said with a smile, “Hi, I’m here to pay off my student loan.” 

“Ok,” the teller replied. Because I wasn’t a client at that bank, there was the usual rigamarole to find out how to make the payment and how much was left owing.

“This is a good day,” he quipped. 

“Yeah, the sun is shining, its lovely.”  I said with my usual obtuseness. 

“Sure, but I meant you’re paying off your loan,” he clarified, “That’s a good day!”

“It certainly is!” I replied and we chatted about how much he was looking forward to paying off his own loans.

Since my wife and I took the Financial Peace course by Dave Ramsay, we’ve gotten into the habit of paying for things in cash.  So I had the exact change with me.  But when he took a look at the amount owing, I was short $0.77! 

“But I called the office,” I explained, “They told me it was this amount.”  My voice sounded more sharp than I intended. I had a suspicion that was confirmed when he said, “They’ve probably charged the interest for today since you called.”

My head was buzzing: what should I do? As an admitted introvert, I don’t roll with the punches all that easily.  I checked the car for change.  Nothing.  I asked my wife if she had change.  Nothing.

Isn’t that just like a big bank? I grumbled to myself.

“OK, can I make this payment now, and then bring back the $0.77 later today?”  It sounded so silly.  It was only $0.77, but its what stood between me and paying off my student loan.

“You know what,” the teller said, “I think I have an idea.”  He excused himself for a minute, then brought back a dollar.  His own dollar. 

“I can’t take your money,” I said, but he insisted.

“Its good Karma,” he replied, “I’ll help you and one day I’ll need help.
Hopefully someone will do the same for me.”

I was humbled.  How often had I clung to my pennies, and here was a complete stranger helping me pay off my debt.  It was only $0.77 but he could have easily told me to come back.  Instead, I wonder if he imagined the joy I must be feeling to pay off the loan, and didn’t want only $0.77 to stand in the way.

I thanked him and walked out feeling lighter.  Not only that I’d paid off the loan, but that a complete stranger had helped me.

A good friend once said.  “Sometimes, the littlest thing can make a big difference.” She’s in the habit of sending cards to people as they come to mind.  It’s just a little thing, but it made all the difference for her husband when he was in a dark season.  Now she’s passing it on.  I wonder how many people have smiled, whispering “thanks” to God for her.

I whispered a “thanks” to God for that teller.  He showed me a little kindness.  It cost him a dollar, but it meant the world to me.  It brightened my week, and strengthened my faith that each of us can make a big difference, even with just the little things.

Thanks Colin! A letter to your bank has already been sent.

Confirmation as Coming of Age

In our branch of the church, many teens are invited to “confirm” their faith, to own for themselves the promises their parents or godparents took for them at their baptism.

It’s a rite rooted in a presumption that teens are mature enough to make these kinds of commitments for themselves.  In other words, though we don’t say it often enough, confirmation is a coming-of-age rite.

Many cultures have these kinds of rites, from the spirit-quest in some aboriginal traditions, to the Bar-Mitzvah in Judaism. As I started to think about confirmation for the youth at Burns, where I serve, it seemed we weren’t owning this as a opportunity to transition children into adulthood.  So we did a three experiments this year.

Experiment #1: Mentoring

Burns is a small church, without the critical mass needed for a vibrant youth program. I attended a workshop by Andrew Root who described the best youth ministry as that which allows teens to spend life with us.  In other words, mentoring.  No critical mass needed; we’d try to just live life with these kids, pointing out where God was along the way.

Each month five teens and myself met twice to share a meal, sometimes at the church and sometimes at my home.  We also tried to have an outing at least once a month.  The meal times were about conversation and questions, while the outings were about testing personal boundaries and the experience of discovery.  Both were shaped by Root’s idea.

The meal lasted about an hour.  We ate while we watched a video from the Reform curriculum by Sparkhouse.  Early on we’d do the activities provided by the curriculum.  But, by the end of the year, discussion was flowing so easily that activities were unnecessary. The meals were often provided by parents (big thanks to Andy and Chrissy!), and were booked before another weekly event where three of the teens were involved – the band rehearsal for Sunday. So, the teens weren’t asked to come out an additional evening per week.

The monthly outing didn’t always work, but we did go a number of times.  Things like woodworking with one of the parents, and a visit to Evangel Hall (a Presbyterian mission in Toronto).  These doubled as opportunities to hang out and spend life together.  More conversation and laughter was shared in the car as we piled in to and from the destination.

Experiment #2: a Rite of Passage into Young Adulthood

This past weekend, on the evening before they confirmed their faith, we wrapped up the journey of the past ten months by inviting the teens for a dinner party at our home.  They were asked to invite their parents to be part of the evening too.  Before we ate, we shared a little litany based on one found in Illuminata by Marianne Williamson.

The focus was on coming of age.  After connecting the rite with the confirmation, the ceremony had five parts:

Presentation: The teen says something about who they are, and how they have come to understand themselves.  I shared a short reflection of the positive things I’d seen in each one as I’d spent time with them over the past months.  Some parents got in on it too!

Confession & Forgiveness: Both adults and teens confess things done and not done to that hindered the world from being more Christ-like.  Then, we extended forgiveness to each other.

Invitation: The adults invited the teens into the company of adults, and into God’s work of healing the world.

Gratitude: The teens said thank you for how the parents have invested in their lives to this point.  Some even gave gifts.

Releasing: The parents released their children to be young adults, acknowledging that their relationships will change, but not end.

Affirmation: With prayer and blessing, all gathered there acknowledged that these children are now young adults.

It was a moving ceremony.  As we sat around the living room there was lots of laughter and tears.

Experiment #3: Oil, Water & Gifts

The Presbyterian Book of Common of worship has some questions for the affirmation of baptism service that are often used for Confirmation too.  But since it’s the same ceremony used for receiving new members, we sometimes mix up the two.  No young adults were made members during this confirmation.  Instead I reworked the questions into less formal language, then the young adults confirmed the promises for themselves.

We tried to incorporate some classic Christian symbols to make this come alive.  During the ceremony, the baptism font was filled and the young adults were invited to take turns dipping their hands into it.  Each was given the chance to remember their baptism in Christ’s community.

We also used oil.  After explaining it’s significance in calling someone to God’s work, we anointed each young adult with a cross on the forehead.  With oil and words we affirmed that each one was called to be God’s agent of renewal in the world.  Each one also felt the stickyness of the oil and was encouraged to remember that their God sticks by them in every circumstance.

After the congregation received the young adults as equals and agreed to support them on their journey with Christ, the elders laid on hands and we prayed.

Burns has a milestones ministry, marking important life transitions in worship with prayer and symbolic gifts.  A small wooden cross was given to each young adult as a reminder of this day.

The Results

The year has been fruitful in a number of ways. 

First, relationships with the teens deepened, creating a sense of community.  Since we don’t have critical mass to run a full youth program, I was hoping to at least deepen the teens connection to each other.  I saw that happen.   We ended making plans to continue to hang out over the summer.

Second, I saw the teens take greater ownership for their church.  Two had already been occasionally involved in leading music, but by January they were asking to be more regularly involved.  These two also started taking on tasks around the physical plant.  Another one helped start a new ministry called F5 (First Friday of the month, Faith-based Family Fun) and brings her friends to contribute every month.  Another had been a quiet observer, but has started experimenting with where he could play a part.   The fifth one applied to go on a missions trip after visiting Evangel Hall, and came up with a great idea for social functions.  (We did a quiche cook off in February and a chili cook-off in March).

Burns isn’t a big church – I’m ok with that.  But I want us to be good at journeying with people through life’s transitions, so they can deepen their connection to God and each other.

Stewards-by-Design

Stewards-by-Design 2013 Conference

I’ve told you about the work on core values and objectives we did as the congregation I serve with spent some weeks focusing on listening. (click here to read those).

The last formative experience was the Stewards-by-Design conference organized by our national denomination, The Presbyterian Church in Canada.  Unlike many of the conferences I’ve been to in the past, this one focused on equipping congregational leaders rather than solely individuals.  Twenty churches were present, represented by four delegates each.

My teammates and I received a package of materials in the weeks leading up to the conference, including Dr. Kennon Callahan’s classic book, 12 Keys to an Effective Church.  We were also challenged to fill out a profile about our congregation, describing its strengths and primary challenges.

The weekend was filled with rich and experiential worship, insightful plenary sessions, and significant conversations with our team, a mentor and other colleagues.

We had a number of “take-aways”:

1)   Build on Strengths first, then leverage these to address our challenges.  This differed from the common wisdom of focusing energy on our weakest area.  Callahan made the point that doing so doesn’t get the kind of quick returns a congregation needs to feel energized.  Once they have some successes however, there’s joy – and the joy brings strength to take on a greater challenge the next time.

2)   Sprinters and Marathoners.  The church does long term “Marathon” programming very well.  We offer weekly or monthly events where results are best if people commit to being there regularly.  But, we more and more of our neighbors are sprinters, people who only commit to a one-time events or short-term series.  We need to make room for them in our churches.

3)   Emphasize Compassion, Community and Hope.  No one comes to faith because of the challenge or commitment involved.  While challenge and commitment are important, they take years to nurture. Doing mission in today’s society requires connecting with people who are interested in seeing lives improved (compassion), in connecting with others (community) and in hope for a brighter tomorrow.

4)   Be grace-filled.  Callahan demonstrated this well.  He was positive, upbeat, receptive and affirming.  We were challenged to infuse our congregation and its expressions with the same?  One of my favorite quotes from him is to the effect of: “If you want to build a boat you don’t divide people into task groups and outline what a boat looks like.  You teach them a love for the sea.  In the same way, if you want to build Christ’s church, you don’t divide them into task groups.  You teach them a love for the grace that has been revealed in Jesus Christ.”  Ouch and amen.

5)   People give to People.  Most people are generous most of the time. Its just that they don’t want to give to projects – they want to touch other people’s lives.  People give to people, not projects.  When raising needed funds, there are many sources we can use, but always return to the story of people who will be affected.

6)   Joyful.  More than once we heard “you are welcome to think about what you would have fun doing.”  What brings joy is one way we figure out what God has gifted us to do.  Having fun should inform which mission we choose, which projects we pursue and which programs we run.

We made a number of recommendations to Burns’ leadership team.  But on a personal note, I left the conference feeling encouraged, like I’d met with God.  I also left equipped with practical ideas for improving my “serve”.

I love how, when we pause to listen, God speaks in some pretty amazing ways.

Setting our Objectives

Last week I started telling you about the day away Burns’ leadership team enjoyed.  We paused to listen about the next season in the congregation’s life. 

I didn’t know what to expect, but was prepared to spend the day on our core values.  (Click here to read about that). I told the elders that, if we had time, we could work on our objectives.  Our core values were clearly stated with time to spare, so we broke for lunch and some recreation, then started talking about objectives. 

Setting up the conversation

I’d been reading Dr. Kennon Callahan’s 12 Keys to an Effective Church, getting ready for a conference, and shared some of his insights.  Too often we set goals that are connected to paying our mortgage, increasing our membership or improving our financial situation (i.e. money). Callahan encourages us to focus on goals that connect people with compassion, community and hope.

He made two other points I had to share. First, these early objectives should be ones we can do.  We needed the energy and encouragement that easy wins bring.  Early wins also build momentum. There’s an old saying that it’s easier to turn a moving ship, and that’s true for organizations too.  Our objectives were to the kind of things that build momentum in the right direction, and bring the energy and encouragement of some wins.

Second, it was ok if the objectives we set were a mistake.  That’s right!  Mistakes aren’t bad.  Good mistakes are just as important as successes because they show us what doesn’t work.  These objectives weren’t our final ones; they could be adjusted and changed as needed. Mistakes would help us know when that was needed.

Our first set of objectives

After looking at our core values again, we opened the floor for discussion. It flowed easily and by mid-afternoon, we had set three objectives for the next quarter year:

1.     Assist with the fun-factor at the local Canada Day picnic. Our congregation meets in a little village where an annual picnic has been going on for over 25 years.  Some of our folks were even involved in starting it.   The picnic had shrunk, and last year there was a shortage of volunteers.  The organizers weren’t sure they could pull it off.  We offered to serve, doing the food stand, and it worked like a shot in the arm for the event.  We noticed that the fun factor could be improved, so the elders talked about offering games and activities from a jumping castle and dunk tank to the classic Sunday school picnic field games. Did this fit our core values?  We found it echoed in core values #3, 5 & 7.  So, we started making plans.

2.     Include a hymn, done in a traditional style in each service.  Burns has always tried to intersperse our modern songs with hymns.  Since before I came, Burns has intentionally blended musical styles.  However, in the past months the hymns we included had increasingly been done with a contemporary arrangement, or were sandwiched by modern tunes, or had new sections inserted.  For some among us, they felt less and less like hymns.  One older lady said, “There are services where I’ll leave and I haven’t been able to sing any of the music; I go home feeling like I haven’t been at church.” We heard God calling us from core values #4, 5 & 6 to be more deliberate about how we serve each other.  Yes, our worship music should be intentionally blended, and yes, that means traditional styles need to be represented.

3.     Emphasize personal prayer more intentionally. We pray in worship every week, but felt God calling from values #3 & 7 to spend time conveying the power prayer has in our lives.  We wanted to encourage people to include prayer in the whole of their lives.  We set a goal of doing this by:

a.     Including a 1-2 minute reflection on prayer before our intercessions.  Whichever elder was to lead the Prayers of the People that week would also share briefly on how or why they prayed on their own.  We’d keep this up until Pentecost Sunday,

b.     Inviting worshippers to pray for a few families from the congregational role each week.  We’d even send them a card saying they had been included in our prayers.

c.      Gathering requests and thanksgivings in the foyer.  These could be included then in our intercessions.

Afterwards

            In the weeks that followed, we began implementing these objectives.  There have been some hiccups along the way, like when I forgot to let the person praying know which families we were praying for!  But, there have also been some successes; just what the doctor ordered.

            We’ll meet again in three months to review these objectives and set some new ones.  This plan turned out to be another Divine accidents, as the conference some of us attended sparked a bunch of new ideas (more on that next week).

            I can envision this process becoming a regular part of how we plan for and evaluate ministry at Burns.  At the very least, it starts building momentum, making it much easier to direct this ship of ours.

Getting to Know Our Core Values

Core values can guide new growth.

At the core of an apple core is getting seeds planted and new trees growing.   What's at our core?  Knowing this answer helps us to know who we are and we we're here.  Then the answers to other questions like "what should I be doing?" come more easily.  Our core works like guardrails: if we know them, we won't go too far off track or can make a course correction when we do.

I hadn’t always understood this.  When I started serving with Burns Church, I wanted us to write a vision statement; you know some grand articulation of what we were here to do.  I was concerned that until we did, new programs and ministries would only start helter-skelter.  At best we'd become a church of isolated silos; at worst there'd be conflict from opposing ideas about what we should be doing.  We needed the unity brought by sharing the grand dream.

Folks were gracious, but not enthusiastic.  They tried to be supportive, but before long it became clear that visioning just didn't get many of us very excited.  Some confessed they had been part of visioning exercises in the past.  Those exercises had resulted in a document everyone had contributed to, but that no one owned.  Now it sat on shelf, gathering dust.  Most of us wanted to get on with the fun stuff of seeing lives impacted by God’s love.  

A conversation helped me rethink our strategy. 

I had coffee with Dr. J.P. Smit, a wise colleague working with Presbyterian Churches in our area. After confirming what I was seeing in the folks at Burns, he said, “I think core values are far more empowering than a vision statement.”  Then he gave me a single question to start the conversation. 

It was:

“If we were to stop doing X, Y or Z, we might as well close our doors.”

A few weeks later, the leadership team from Burns asked the congregation to pray for us as we took a day to grapple with this question.  We shared breakfast together in a beautiful venue.  I did some teaching on core values and then we dove into it. 

Within a few minutes we had distinguished ourselves from the local service club in town, and the country club down the road.  We were realizing afresh who God had made us to be, and to whom God was calling us.

Here’s what we discovered:

1. “If we stopped centering our lives on the Trinity we might as well close our doors.”

2. “If we stopped allowing the scriptures of the Old and New Testatments to shape our understanding of God, we might as well close our doors.”

3. “If we stopped striving to live so all of life is worship

            or stopped experiencing God profoundly in our church community

            or participating in the work he started in Christ

            or allowing ourselves to be transformed into Christ’s image

            or becoming agents of God’s transformative work in the world

                                    Then we might as well close our doors.

4. “If we stopped being a warm and caring congregation that continues to show the hospitality we learned from the old-village church we used to be,

5. “If we stopped being inspired by our faith to generously serve the needs of others inside and outside our congregation,

6. “If we stopped trying to shape our ministry both by the needs of the people we’re serving and the gifts God has given to us,

            and

7. “If we stopped believing in the power of prayer to connect us with God and each other

                        We might as well close our doors."

I’d spent 2 ½ years trying to get a vision process off the ground.  Now in half a day, we had a firm sense for who we are and what we can do.  As I reflected on how the Spirit had spoken in our time together, I realized we could structure our values in terms of Jesus’ great commandments.

            Love God (see core values 1-3)

            Love our neighbours (see core values 4-7)

Afterwards

After lunch on that retreat day, we easily came up with three goals that addressed concerns in terms of these values (More on that next week).

This is just the beginning, but the process is beautiful in its simplicity.  Since it didn’t require a huge investment of time and energy, it can be adjusted easily as God continues to reveal to us who we are, and to whom we’re called.  I fully expect that to happen as the congregation reflects on them.  They’re already being shaped by the amazing Stewards-by-Design conference we took a team to in May (more on that in a couple weeks too).  Knowing our core values was a much needed start, pointing us in the right direction.

I’d like to try this for me individually too.  Maybe I’ll go for a walk in the woods and ask, “If I stopped X,Y, Z, I might as well close my (proverbial) doors.”  I wonder how God would speak?

Starving to Live

There’s a link between starvation and full, rich living.

A few months ago, I was watching a TED talk by Dr. William Li on starving cancer. He explained how throughout our lives, we all develop little pre-cancerous tumors.  The difference between a healthy person and a person with a cancer diagnosis is whether those little tumors have grown a blood supply.   If they do, then the tumors receive the nutrients they need to grow into big problems.   Dr. Li goes on to describe how some foods can prevent new blood supplies from forming, effectively starving and killing those early tumors.

A few weeks ago my 9-year old had asked what Grammy’s cancer was doing to her. I explained that cancer is when some cells in our body grow without caring about the other cells. They only look after their own interests.  “I wish cancer wasn’t so selfish” she said to me later.  I had to agree.

As I thought about it some more, I realized how the same is true in the whole of life.  We have little parts of us that want what we want, when we want it.  Some of us call this the devil, some call it our old self (using the apostle Paul’s wording), and some use other words. No matter how we describe it, its like there’s little tumors inside us that can become big, selfish problems if they’re allowed to grow.  They need to be starved if life is going to be rich and full.

Dr. Li mentioned foods that can starve cancer. I think there are two spiritual “foods” can starve selfishness: surrender and generosity.

Surrender. 

We can’t know everything. Believing that we is a kind of arrogance not backed up by experience.  No matter how well we prepare, sometimes life brings us twists we couldn’t foresee.

When those surprises come, we may want to circle the wagons, raise our defenses and look out only for number one.  While that may work in the short-term, it will burn bridges with the people we need for support and companionship.

Instead, why not surrender our plans to One who is greater, who has seen all the variables, and whose has a plan to make them work out for our good? (Romans 8:18-30)   Surrender is placing God at the center of our lives.

Generosity.

Giving our time, energy and resources to another helps us tangibly experience what its like to consider another as important as ourselves. Sometimes it comes with feeling the rush of giving.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  But all the time it is a vital step on the path to deeper, fuller connections with others.

One last word: the sequence of these is important. Generosity without surrender can degenerate into self-indulgence as we focus on all that we’ve done, instead of the One in whose plan we’re playing a part.

But, when we first surrender and then give generously, we find our connection with others and with God grows deeply.  The little selfish bits in us are starved, and we’re freed to live a full and rich life.