Teaching Kids about Money

Has this ever happened to you?  Our family was in Target today, doing some back-to-school shopping when my almost 4 year old said he really, really, REALLY wanted that toy.  

Toys are like candy for this guy.  He absolutely loves them, and is constantly asking for a new toy from the toy “schtore”. Sadly, the newness of the latest acquisition lasts about as long as candy lasts around me. 

When my daughter was the same age, she insisted we “Could just go to the bank machine to get more money.”  The teacher in me awoke at this opportunity.  And I treated her to a diatribe on how we get money, the value of work, saving our dollars and only spending money you have.  Is it good that she walked away with eyes glazed over?

So how will our kids learn about the value of money?  Who will teach them about how to handle their dollars?

My wife and I asked this recently as we drove back from a trip.  We remembered a practice we’d learned in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course.  We used this a few years ago, but sadly had let it lapse.

It works like this

Each child has three jars, or boxes. 

            One for saving for the future,

                        One for sharing with those in need, and

                                    One for spending now.

Then each week they do some chores around the house.  In a wonderful twist, I have a child who actually asks to clean the toilets. These chores can’t be things like keeping their rooms clean, or helping to clear the table.  We all do some things just because we’re part of the family.  Instead, the jobs are a chance for our children to learn the value of earning their money.  After all, that’s how the real world works and in the words of Dr. Phil, “we’re raising adults.”

At the end of each week, we pay them for chores completed. We usually pay in small coins so that the children can place some coins in their save, some in their share and some in their spend jars.  They decide how much goes in each.  We just help them remember that each jar needs some of the money each week.

As they grow up, we hope these three categories will be a natural way to think about their money.

Now my wife is far more creative than I.  When we decided to resurrect this approach to teaching our children about money, she broke out the scrapbooking papers, stickers and stamps.  The kids decorated their own boxes.  We talked with them about the jobs they’d like to do.  We even chipped in some coins to get the funds started.  Yeah, I have a soft spot for those kids.

Today, when my little guy said he really, really, REALLY wanted that toy at Target, I was able to say to him, “OK, save up your spend money and you can have it,” and that settled it.

That’s what’s working around our home.  What’s working around yours?

Shaping Faith at Bedtime

“C’mon guys, time for bed.”  My comment is greeted with the usual groans and dramatic complaints. 

  

“Daaa-aaad, its still early!” one insists.  Since when is 9pm early, I wonder, stifling a yawn.  With coaxing that ranges from nudges to threats, the kids finally brush their teeth and put on their pj’s.  Then my nine and almost four-year olds pile onto mom and dad’s bed for our nighttime ritual.

My wife and I aren’t experts at this, but we’ve come to believe that we are our kids’ first encounter with God’s love, and their first examples of what it means to be a Christ follower. 

That’s scary stuff.  One look in the mirror and I’m praying God will work in their lives, despite me. But, there they are, on the bed, awaiting our usual ritual: two questions and a prayer.

“What was your least favourite part of the day – was there anything you really didn’t like?”  My daughter tells about how she didn’t get to scrapbook with her mom.  Didn’t you go shopping with her instead, I think to myself, but I hold my tongue.  This isn’t a time for judgment.  We simply acknowledge that must have been disappointing.  This is a time when we let hard feelings have a voice. 

My son tells the story of falling and scrapping his knee.  A subtle glance at his bare knees shows there’s no scrape.  I think he just wants to be part of this time.

“Was that for real or pretend, bud?”  I ask.  He assures me its for real.  This isn’t the time to lecture him on the value of telling the truth.  He’s using his imagination to be part of this experience.  His effort affirms that the question we’ve asked is important enough to warrant him telling a story.

“Ok, so what about your favourite part of the day?” I ask.  This second question is my favourite.  I’m regaled with stories of going to the park, or playing with friends, or spending time as a family.

“What was yours?” my daughter always responds. 

“Umm, being here with you guys,” I say.  I know its bit corny, but its true.  Those few moments at the end of the day are some of my favourite ones.  Ever.

After we’re done with the two questions, we pray, a different person praying each night. We say “thank-you” for the good things, and pray about the hard things. The prayers are simple, yet heartfelt.

Its taken some time to get to this place, and I’m sure those times will change as the kids grow up.  It’s also not an every night occurrence.  Sometimes, the summer sun has gone to bed before the kids have, and we’re scrambling to carry their limp bodies with smirking faces up to bed.

But I think its important that we keep coming back to it.  Here’s why:

1. It teaches that prayer, talking with God, is normal.

Prayer doesn’t have to be what we do when we’ve run out of other options; it can be more than the last cry of a desperate person.  It can be a lifestyle where we acknowledge God with us, Giver of Good gifts, Comforter in our tough times.

If my kids experience this most evenings, I hope they will develop a worldview where talking with God is perfectly normal and healthy.

2. Its teaches the skills of looking through our day for the good, and giving thanks for it

Life brings to us far more than we can possibly attend to consciously.  So, we are constantly selecting the things we’ll notice, the memories we’ll keep. Whether we see the glass half empty or half full depends on what we chose to notice. 

   

If anyone is like me, than seeing the darker stuff comes easily.  I can often end my day recalling the projects I didn’t finish, the words I regret saying, the actions I wish I’d done differently.  It’s a skill to look for the good.

And look for it we should. 

If God is present at all times (and many of us believe that goes with the whole “omnipresent” thing), then there is good in most circumstances because our good God is there. Finding God, dwelling on the good, giving thanks for it, is life-giving.  It’s an assurance that God will never leave nor forsake, and that the One from whom every good and perfect gift comes, is present with us.  The proof?  We’ve seen our good God at work.

3. It teaches that parents are a safe place to talk about hard stuff

My daughter was bullied not too long ago.  When I asked what the least favourite part of the day was, she hummed and hawed.  When she grows quiet, I know something is wrong!

We pushed just a bit; waited just a bit.  It came out that some kids had done some really mean things to her.  That question became the opportunity for us to talk with her about that event.

I hope that as they both age, the habit of asking and answering these questions, of being able to share happy and yucky feelings, will instill a belief that mom and dad can be trusted; that we’re a safe place to talk.

  

This is what’s working in our home.  I’d love to hear what’s working in yours.

A Mission of Burgers and Dogs

Please forgive me, but I need to boast.  Burns Church in Ashburn did something on Canada Day that was pretty amazing in my books.

We served burgers and dogs.

That’s right – at the Ashburn village Canada Day BBQ, our congregation took on the responsibility for serving over 250 people who were present.  There was the Whitby Mayor, Town Councillors, our MPP and MP.  And Burns.

We moved people through line with the efficiency of a well-oiled machine.

“Burger combo, hotdog” cried the order taker.

“Burger combo, hotdog” echoed someone on the team.

Some cooked the meat, others put them in buns.  Others filled the orders, or delivered drinks and chips, or made sure the bins were full of food. 

A well-oiled machine.

Now, to some in the Christian world, serving BBQ at a Canada Day picnic may not seem like mission.  But here’s what I saw happening:

First, we met a practical need.

As I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs, the village’s picnic was on the verge of shutting down (read about it here).  It wasn’t that too few were interested, just that not enough felt they could help. So, by lending a hand we were filling a need in an otherwise affluent community that needed little. 

When the Europe and North America first sent missionaries to the far corners of the globe, very few of them could start sharing the good news right away.  Instead, most took a look around, noticed where the needs were, and then started working to meet them.  Schools, hospitals, dentistry clinics were just some of ways needs were met.

Ashburn didn’t need a soup kitchen, thrift store, doctor or dentist.  But it did need people to help pull together the food.  We could do that!

Second, our connections to our community were strengthened.

As needs are met, relationships are strengthened.

Over and again, I saw folks I never see on a Sunday morning, chit chatting with congregation members.  The event became a way for the connections we already have in the community to be strengthened.  We weren’t held up behind the walls of our building, waiting for folks to come to us.  We were the church, out there, talking with people, making new friendships or deepening existing ones. 

I noticed some others who were placing their order had faces that said, “I’m a bit uncomfortable.”  Maybe they were a bit unsure about us.  Was this their first interaction with a Christian?  Did they wonder if they could be themselves around us?

“Cheese burger combo and cheese dog,” the order called.

“Cheese burger combo and cheese dog” we echoed, as one held plates, another placed the food, another put on the cheese.  We were jostling and joking as we served.  We were laughing and having fun. 

By the time folks hit the end of the table, most had faces that were relaxed, even smiling.  I hope it was because they not only had some good food for their stomachs, but a good experience with some Christians.

Third, one of our leaders expressed her strengths.

Let me tell you about one of our leaders. 

She has been in the congregation since she was two, and our office administrator for the past fourteen years.  She has obvious gifts for administration, organization and implementation.    She has a deep love and commitment to what Christ is doing among us and in Ashburn.  And, she sits on the community center board, the group who organizes the Canada Day BBQ.

So, it came as no surprise that she brought this mission opportunity to us.

It also came as no surprise that she took the project by the reigns and made it happen.

Every congregation is filled with people who have gifts and passions.  The gifts point them to how they can contribute and their passions fuel the difference they’re making for Christ.

She has gifts of administration, organization and implementation.  She has a passion for Christ and her community.  The BBQ became the perfect opportunity for her to express these.  So, it became a discipleship event where she could participate in Christ’s work, and discover the energy that comes from the joy of serving him.

4. It was a one off event some of our folks could be involved in.

When we were at the Stewards-by-Design conference in May (read about it here), Dr. Callahan noted that the church is really good at serving people who can make a long term commitment. Worship every week, 12 week bible studies, monthly events.  All these are good, but are geared towards marathoners. 

He encouraged us to make room for sprinters; people who could only make commitment for the short term (i.e. 3-5 weeks) and one-time events.

The BBQ saw people involved who enjoy helping out and want to be part of the Burns community.  They can’t commit to weekly bible studies; some work on many Sundays.  But, on this statutory holiday, they were able to share the experience.

They were part of the joking and jostling.  They deepened their connection to others in the congregation. 

Burns did a good thing on Canada Day.  Its resulted in a lot of good for our folks, and the people of the village where we meet.

Parenting Tips: Consistency

Ok, I’m not an expert, but as I’ve been listening to what’s going on around me, I can’t help hearing lots of talk about parenting. One friend’s wife just gave birth to a third child. Other friends are trying to get pregnant. Another friend is looking to start trying for a baby, despite concerns about children’s piercing screams (a good reason to be concerned).

I’m not an expert, but I have two wonderful kids (despite their dad) aged 9 and almost 4.  I thought I’d share some ideas around what’s working in our home.  Here’s the first:

Be consistent

            Its first because everything else comes from it.   Being consistently consistent is tough for all of us, and still very much a work in progress for me. But, if we’re consistent more often than not, then our kids will never have to wonder how we feel about them, or what kind of behavior is ok, or what the consequences to their actions will be. 

            The world is a pretty consistent place: if we drop a ball, it falls.  If the sun is shining, there’s a risk of sunburn.  If there’s snow on the ground, it’s cold outside.  Kids, like grown ups, need consistency in order to predict what “y” will be, if “x” happens.  When we’re not consistent, we create experiences where the world feels uncertain and kids grow up feeling unsafe.

            So, for example, what would it be like if we consistently showed love using whatever language works best for the child.  Each child has what Gary Chapman calls love languages that they use to say and hear “I love you.”  For my son, its cuddles and play time.  For my daughter its hanging out and talking. When we consistently show up and say “I love you” in ways that are meaningful for our kids, we create an experience that assures them of our love, and God’s.  Read The Five Love Languages for Kids, by Gary Chapman for ideas on how your child may understand love.

           

            Words and actions also need to be consistent.  If I want my kids to be active, but I sit on the couch watching TV all day, I’m sending mixed messages.  My words say one thing, and my actions another.  I’m working hard on this one.

            Along the same idea, only talk about consequences that can be carried out. We’ve all done it, haven’t we?  I say that I’m going to turn the car around if the kids don’t stop fighting in the back seat.  They don’t, but I continue driving on to our destination.  Since turning the car around was never a real consequence, I should never have offered it.  Instead, try warning that something will be taken away, like a toy or a snack.  Then if the behavior continues, follow through.  There may be tears and screaming, but that becomes a good time to suggest earning the toy or snack back.  Whatever happens, don’t give into the tears and screaming by giving the toy or snack back.  Instead, we’re consistent when we use whatever we took away as a reward for appropriate behavior.

            One last example on this – if something is wrong for my kids, then I need to consistently apologize when I do it. We’ve said that throwing a temper tantrum is not ok in our house. But, there have times when I’ve lost my cool and had good ol’ grown-up version.  Its not pretty.  I’m not proud of it.  At that point, all I could do was be consistent.  So, I apologized, admitting that my behavior was not ok.  I was wrong, and I promise to do better next time.  After some hugs and kisses, my children heard me affirm that appropriate responses apply to everyone, not just kids.  It also gives my children a chance to feel the power of forgiving – but more on that gem another time.

            We could go on, but the big point here is that our consistency is key to raising confident kids who know they’re loved and so can face whatever the world brings.

What’s working in your home – what’s your top parenting tip?

It’s the Little Things

Sometimes, a little thing can make a big difference.

A little while ago, I was having a crappy week.  The car was acting up and I was fighting off some bug that made me feel tired, cranky and achy. 

The bright side was that I was that I could finally make the last payment on my student loan.  I called the bank’s office in the morning to make sure I had the right amount, then after lunch, I stopped by a local branch. 

When it was my turn, I went to the desk and said with a smile, “Hi, I’m here to pay off my student loan.” 

“Ok,” the teller replied. Because I wasn’t a client at that bank, there was the usual rigamarole to find out how to make the payment and how much was left owing.

“This is a good day,” he quipped. 

“Yeah, the sun is shining, its lovely.”  I said with my usual obtuseness. 

“Sure, but I meant you’re paying off your loan,” he clarified, “That’s a good day!”

“It certainly is!” I replied and we chatted about how much he was looking forward to paying off his own loans.

Since my wife and I took the Financial Peace course by Dave Ramsay, we’ve gotten into the habit of paying for things in cash.  So I had the exact change with me.  But when he took a look at the amount owing, I was short $0.77! 

“But I called the office,” I explained, “They told me it was this amount.”  My voice sounded more sharp than I intended. I had a suspicion that was confirmed when he said, “They’ve probably charged the interest for today since you called.”

My head was buzzing: what should I do? As an admitted introvert, I don’t roll with the punches all that easily.  I checked the car for change.  Nothing.  I asked my wife if she had change.  Nothing.

Isn’t that just like a big bank? I grumbled to myself.

“OK, can I make this payment now, and then bring back the $0.77 later today?”  It sounded so silly.  It was only $0.77, but its what stood between me and paying off my student loan.

“You know what,” the teller said, “I think I have an idea.”  He excused himself for a minute, then brought back a dollar.  His own dollar. 

“I can’t take your money,” I said, but he insisted.

“Its good Karma,” he replied, “I’ll help you and one day I’ll need help.
Hopefully someone will do the same for me.”

I was humbled.  How often had I clung to my pennies, and here was a complete stranger helping me pay off my debt.  It was only $0.77 but he could have easily told me to come back.  Instead, I wonder if he imagined the joy I must be feeling to pay off the loan, and didn’t want only $0.77 to stand in the way.

I thanked him and walked out feeling lighter.  Not only that I’d paid off the loan, but that a complete stranger had helped me.

A good friend once said.  “Sometimes, the littlest thing can make a big difference.” She’s in the habit of sending cards to people as they come to mind.  It’s just a little thing, but it made all the difference for her husband when he was in a dark season.  Now she’s passing it on.  I wonder how many people have smiled, whispering “thanks” to God for her.

I whispered a “thanks” to God for that teller.  He showed me a little kindness.  It cost him a dollar, but it meant the world to me.  It brightened my week, and strengthened my faith that each of us can make a big difference, even with just the little things.

Thanks Colin! A letter to your bank has already been sent.

Confirmation as Coming of Age

In our branch of the church, many teens are invited to “confirm” their faith, to own for themselves the promises their parents or godparents took for them at their baptism.

It’s a rite rooted in a presumption that teens are mature enough to make these kinds of commitments for themselves.  In other words, though we don’t say it often enough, confirmation is a coming-of-age rite.

Many cultures have these kinds of rites, from the spirit-quest in some aboriginal traditions, to the Bar-Mitzvah in Judaism. As I started to think about confirmation for the youth at Burns, where I serve, it seemed we weren’t owning this as a opportunity to transition children into adulthood.  So we did a three experiments this year.

Experiment #1: Mentoring

Burns is a small church, without the critical mass needed for a vibrant youth program. I attended a workshop by Andrew Root who described the best youth ministry as that which allows teens to spend life with us.  In other words, mentoring.  No critical mass needed; we’d try to just live life with these kids, pointing out where God was along the way.

Each month five teens and myself met twice to share a meal, sometimes at the church and sometimes at my home.  We also tried to have an outing at least once a month.  The meal times were about conversation and questions, while the outings were about testing personal boundaries and the experience of discovery.  Both were shaped by Root’s idea.

The meal lasted about an hour.  We ate while we watched a video from the Reform curriculum by Sparkhouse.  Early on we’d do the activities provided by the curriculum.  But, by the end of the year, discussion was flowing so easily that activities were unnecessary. The meals were often provided by parents (big thanks to Andy and Chrissy!), and were booked before another weekly event where three of the teens were involved – the band rehearsal for Sunday. So, the teens weren’t asked to come out an additional evening per week.

The monthly outing didn’t always work, but we did go a number of times.  Things like woodworking with one of the parents, and a visit to Evangel Hall (a Presbyterian mission in Toronto).  These doubled as opportunities to hang out and spend life together.  More conversation and laughter was shared in the car as we piled in to and from the destination.

Experiment #2: a Rite of Passage into Young Adulthood

This past weekend, on the evening before they confirmed their faith, we wrapped up the journey of the past ten months by inviting the teens for a dinner party at our home.  They were asked to invite their parents to be part of the evening too.  Before we ate, we shared a little litany based on one found in Illuminata by Marianne Williamson.

The focus was on coming of age.  After connecting the rite with the confirmation, the ceremony had five parts:

Presentation: The teen says something about who they are, and how they have come to understand themselves.  I shared a short reflection of the positive things I’d seen in each one as I’d spent time with them over the past months.  Some parents got in on it too!

Confession & Forgiveness: Both adults and teens confess things done and not done to that hindered the world from being more Christ-like.  Then, we extended forgiveness to each other.

Invitation: The adults invited the teens into the company of adults, and into God’s work of healing the world.

Gratitude: The teens said thank you for how the parents have invested in their lives to this point.  Some even gave gifts.

Releasing: The parents released their children to be young adults, acknowledging that their relationships will change, but not end.

Affirmation: With prayer and blessing, all gathered there acknowledged that these children are now young adults.

It was a moving ceremony.  As we sat around the living room there was lots of laughter and tears.

Experiment #3: Oil, Water & Gifts

The Presbyterian Book of Common of worship has some questions for the affirmation of baptism service that are often used for Confirmation too.  But since it’s the same ceremony used for receiving new members, we sometimes mix up the two.  No young adults were made members during this confirmation.  Instead I reworked the questions into less formal language, then the young adults confirmed the promises for themselves.

We tried to incorporate some classic Christian symbols to make this come alive.  During the ceremony, the baptism font was filled and the young adults were invited to take turns dipping their hands into it.  Each was given the chance to remember their baptism in Christ’s community.

We also used oil.  After explaining it’s significance in calling someone to God’s work, we anointed each young adult with a cross on the forehead.  With oil and words we affirmed that each one was called to be God’s agent of renewal in the world.  Each one also felt the stickyness of the oil and was encouraged to remember that their God sticks by them in every circumstance.

After the congregation received the young adults as equals and agreed to support them on their journey with Christ, the elders laid on hands and we prayed.

Burns has a milestones ministry, marking important life transitions in worship with prayer and symbolic gifts.  A small wooden cross was given to each young adult as a reminder of this day.

The Results

The year has been fruitful in a number of ways. 

First, relationships with the teens deepened, creating a sense of community.  Since we don’t have critical mass to run a full youth program, I was hoping to at least deepen the teens connection to each other.  I saw that happen.   We ended making plans to continue to hang out over the summer.

Second, I saw the teens take greater ownership for their church.  Two had already been occasionally involved in leading music, but by January they were asking to be more regularly involved.  These two also started taking on tasks around the physical plant.  Another one helped start a new ministry called F5 (First Friday of the month, Faith-based Family Fun) and brings her friends to contribute every month.  Another had been a quiet observer, but has started experimenting with where he could play a part.   The fifth one applied to go on a missions trip after visiting Evangel Hall, and came up with a great idea for social functions.  (We did a quiche cook off in February and a chili cook-off in March).

Burns isn’t a big church – I’m ok with that.  But I want us to be good at journeying with people through life’s transitions, so they can deepen their connection to God and each other.

Stewards-by-Design

Stewards-by-Design 2013 Conference

I’ve told you about the work on core values and objectives we did as the congregation I serve with spent some weeks focusing on listening. (click here to read those).

The last formative experience was the Stewards-by-Design conference organized by our national denomination, The Presbyterian Church in Canada.  Unlike many of the conferences I’ve been to in the past, this one focused on equipping congregational leaders rather than solely individuals.  Twenty churches were present, represented by four delegates each.

My teammates and I received a package of materials in the weeks leading up to the conference, including Dr. Kennon Callahan’s classic book, 12 Keys to an Effective Church.  We were also challenged to fill out a profile about our congregation, describing its strengths and primary challenges.

The weekend was filled with rich and experiential worship, insightful plenary sessions, and significant conversations with our team, a mentor and other colleagues.

We had a number of “take-aways”:

1)   Build on Strengths first, then leverage these to address our challenges.  This differed from the common wisdom of focusing energy on our weakest area.  Callahan made the point that doing so doesn’t get the kind of quick returns a congregation needs to feel energized.  Once they have some successes however, there’s joy – and the joy brings strength to take on a greater challenge the next time.

2)   Sprinters and Marathoners.  The church does long term “Marathon” programming very well.  We offer weekly or monthly events where results are best if people commit to being there regularly.  But, we more and more of our neighbors are sprinters, people who only commit to a one-time events or short-term series.  We need to make room for them in our churches.

3)   Emphasize Compassion, Community and Hope.  No one comes to faith because of the challenge or commitment involved.  While challenge and commitment are important, they take years to nurture. Doing mission in today’s society requires connecting with people who are interested in seeing lives improved (compassion), in connecting with others (community) and in hope for a brighter tomorrow.

4)   Be grace-filled.  Callahan demonstrated this well.  He was positive, upbeat, receptive and affirming.  We were challenged to infuse our congregation and its expressions with the same?  One of my favorite quotes from him is to the effect of: “If you want to build a boat you don’t divide people into task groups and outline what a boat looks like.  You teach them a love for the sea.  In the same way, if you want to build Christ’s church, you don’t divide them into task groups.  You teach them a love for the grace that has been revealed in Jesus Christ.”  Ouch and amen.

5)   People give to People.  Most people are generous most of the time. Its just that they don’t want to give to projects – they want to touch other people’s lives.  People give to people, not projects.  When raising needed funds, there are many sources we can use, but always return to the story of people who will be affected.

6)   Joyful.  More than once we heard “you are welcome to think about what you would have fun doing.”  What brings joy is one way we figure out what God has gifted us to do.  Having fun should inform which mission we choose, which projects we pursue and which programs we run.

We made a number of recommendations to Burns’ leadership team.  But on a personal note, I left the conference feeling encouraged, like I’d met with God.  I also left equipped with practical ideas for improving my “serve”.

I love how, when we pause to listen, God speaks in some pretty amazing ways.